It’s been a year today since I lost somebody very special to me. The surreal thing is that ‘year’ part. Everyday, things seem to get easier and harder at the same time but that ‘year’ part. Time scares the hell out of me; because it’s precious… because it eventually runs out. It inspires me very much to live hard and love hard. I want to make the most out of my life because I have seen how quickly it can disappear. I am no longing holding back and I am learning to enjoy the important things.
Guys, you might have noticed the lack of blogs this week. And honestly, the reason for this was because I felt I needed to log out, literally, for a little while. I spend way too much time behind a laptop screen that I sometimes forget that there is more to life and I should be enjoying it more.
Blogging is something I love, but it is something I do daily on top of two other jobs. Work hours for both of these jobs have heavily increased these last few weeks and that isn’t me complaining because I love my work. But after finishing an 8/9 shift at the day job, returning home to work a couple of hours for my second job, I THEN have to think about my blog. These work days can sometimes be from 6am to 9pm and despite valuing hard work and the results of it, I decided that, in honour of my Grandma who took pride in herself and valued life for everything it’s worth, I was going to close the office door for a couple of days and catch up on the world around me.
I can honestly say that I’ve been missing out on a lot, but it has felt strange since I have been blogging on a daily basis for nine consecutive months now. And because of this, I’ve made a decision. Part of me feels like I’m failing by saying this because I was planning a years worth of daily blogs without missing a SINGLE day. I had come so far but I needed that break and I feel a lot better for it. From now on, I’m going to be writing a WEEKLY blog. This could possibly be more if I get some spare time and therefore I could write a few blogs a week. At the moment, though, with my heavy workload, I’m going to not drive myself crazy… for a little while at least.
Also, in my honour of my Grandma, today I’m going to share a poem I wrote a little while back. This piece is called ‘From the Hospital Bedside’.
From the Hospital Bedside
I’m not sure how we got here,
or where I’m going from here.
I don’t know how the world is coping
without you, outside of these walls.
I do know, you shouldn’t be here.
You should be out in the world
making it better for just being in it.
I also know that I hate the smell
of hand sanitiser these days,
and that every photo of you I find
is now an indestructible treasure.
They only die when I die.
And I know to sing as loud as I can
when I hear your favourite song,
because you’re too weak to sing with me.
And at least this way I know you’ll hear me.
You are a way of the world.
You made everything count
and opened my eyes to see clearly.
Family isn’t a law to abide to,
it’s a way of life and a choice.
And I choose to hold your hand through this,
feeling stronger and weaker at the same time.
Feeling like a better person and worse.
Feeling relieved at your final breath but hurt.
Like something I’ve never experienced before.
Like a knife wound through the heart,
I shot out of a dream and I opened my eyes.
At 5.45, from the hospital bedside, goodbye.